Commute

"Seat Safety Switch" (seat-safety-switch) 05/24/2016 at 11:44 • Filed to: traffic was a zoo today, overstrained spandex and carbon fiber waiting in line for starbucks, buick century gran sport stage 1

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I was an ordinary person once before, I yelled through the woven-Kevlar window net at the wide-eyed librarian. Some sound tried to escape her mouth, but it was muted into nothingness by the pounding exhaust note of the zoomies. Explaining myself was pointless but I had to keep trying, I told myself as I slotted easily through the remaining close-ratio gears and had already reached my peak speed halfway through the men’s room. It’s not my fault, I said to the windshield: traffic made me this way.

A long time ago, in another life perhaps, I was an urban engineer. My career had started innocently enough: my father, a huge influence on my life, swore repeatedly at inefficient traffic light timings. He would curse out the shockwaves rippling through stop-and-go traffic as millisecond gaps in reaction times turned into fifteen minutes late to visit Grandma’s house. One day, the whole world would be consumed by one unbroken gridlock, and people would die, he believed. Someone should do something, he said to me once. I did something , Dad.

When you talk to a normal person, it’s shocking just how little they know about the place they live. Every major city has miles of underground networks: conduits for cable and plumbing, long-abandoned subway tunnels, a sewer system. Usually the only time you find out about them is when a sinkhole erupts on the interstate and sends a single mom of two to the bowels of Hell in her Micra. Early on in my career, an urban planning mentor of mine, the great Jonathan Brookings, he of the Brookings Method, would raise my awareness of this subterranean city and its potential.

Naturally, I became obsessed, poring over every piece of written and photographic documentation I could find. I became the city’s foremost expert on its hidden tunnels. A lot of people would be satisfied with one obsession. But I had two.

The day had started like any other. I was late for an early morning meeting and ran out into my neo-bucolic suburban driveway, carrying a bagel in my mouth. I clambered over the welded-shut door of my Century Gran Sport and fastened the camlock of the six-point restraints. There was something about the diamond-pleated leather covering the Recaro carbon-fiber race seat that always relaxed my spine, but I was coming to think it might have been nerve damage from the tooth-loosening second- and third-order vibrations transmitted via the Buick’s solid motor mounts.

I had barely had a chance to heat up the thick Mickeys out back when I came across a traffic jam so obscene it offended every sensibility I had. There was only one thing to do. Between the race buckets laid a red button the size of a cheese danish, and I mashed it with my fist so hard the knuckles whitened.

“PULL TO THE SIDE OF THE ROAD IMMEDIATELY. URBAN ENGINEER COMING THROUGH. YOU HAVE TEN SECONDS TO COMPLY,” a robotic voice screeched. I punched it down a gear for emphasis, the high RPM bellow of my exhaust adding a sense of tangibility to my rush.

But nothing happened. Traffic simply refused to move for me. Where could they go? My predecessors had devised narrow hard shoulders with kinetic restraints to reduce the threat of wrong-way collisions. The vintage lanes were simply too narrow for the school-bus-sized sports utility vehicles in vogue in my era. Even the bicyclists were stuck, their bike lanes jammed solid with overstrained spandex and carbon fiber waiting in line for Starbucks. It was the dark nightmare that had been foretold by my father.

Maybe there were two things to do, I thought as the Gran Sport’s nose whipped sideways into a nearby field and barged into the concrete pipe entrance of a storm sewer. I would make my way to work through the subways, sewers and conduits of my mentor - the hidden city of dual wall corrugated HDPE drainage pipes and kilometer upon kilometer of once-secret access hallways.

When I hit the city library, I knew that I was close - wasn’t city hall just next door? My spatial memory paid off yet again - I let the big Buick’s big block eat, smashing through a lowest-bidder antiterrorism gate to enter a long-abandoned subway terminal beneath the city hall.

I strode into the meeting, my Nomex sport jacket flapping behind me. The Mayor was there, and he was impressed.

“Traffic is a zoo today. How did you get here so fast?” he asked, gobsmacked.

What else could I tell him? He only hired the best .

OPPOsaurus WRX > Seat Safety Switch 05/24/2016 at 11:56

5

This story is complete bullshit. Everyone knows even single moms drive Tahoe’s at a minimum

Seat Safety Switch > OPPOsaurus WRX 05/24/2016 at 11:57

2

Around here, the payday-loan vehicle of choice is a late 90s Explorer, or mid-00s Escape.

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > Seat Safety Switch 05/24/2016 at 11:59

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Traffic always sucks. At least you have a practical way around it.

DrJohannVegas > Seat Safety Switch 05/24/2016 at 12:19

5

All your stuff is really good, but this one is definitely one of the best. No snark, no in-character responses, just well-deserved plaudits. Fun read.

Smallbear wants a modern Syclone, local Maple Leafs spammer > Seat Safety Switch 05/24/2016 at 12:23

3

That bend in the tunnel lighting is driving me nuts

Seat Safety Switch > Smallbear wants a modern Syclone, local Maple Leafs spammer 05/24/2016 at 12:24

1

Yeah I hope someone got fired for that.

OldManMcKenna > Seat Safety Switch 05/24/2016 at 12:30

3

Holy crap, am I your father? I sent your 2nd paragraph to my wife and she was like “so the writer is describing you in this paragraph.”

Seat Safety Switch > OldManMcKenna 05/24/2016 at 12:31

15

Why did you run out on mom, dad?

I know she wanted to buy a minivan but it was a turbo stick Caravan dad

Vin > Seat Safety Switch 05/24/2016 at 12:37

3

Make this story 100x better than it already is by playing Hans Zimmer’s “Time” while you read.

Vincent Davidson > OPPOsaurus WRX 05/24/2016 at 12:39

1

Single moms drive?

Vincent Davidson > Seat Safety Switch 05/24/2016 at 12:42

0

Well done.

Am I the only one who imagined this as a scene in Blade Runner?

atomicalex > Seat Safety Switch 05/24/2016 at 12:42

0

I’ve been in that station. Where is that?

OldKingCole > Seat Safety Switch 05/24/2016 at 12:52

2

Great story, told very well.

muttons > Seat Safety Switch 05/24/2016 at 12:59

3

My commute to work is 30 minutes on an 8 lane divided highway through a dessicated urban spew of motels and strip clubs. The speed limit is 40 mph. Its only saving grace is properly timed lights that punish the speeder and reward the compliant. At times I dream of driving a Raptor down the median, errant toupees of grass flung behind me and my gleeful laughter. If only...

cabarne4 > Seat Safety Switch 05/24/2016 at 13:00

9

Lead pic is one of the U-Bahn stations in Munich!

Took this back in 2010:

cabarne4 > atomicalex 05/24/2016 at 13:00

0

Munich. On one of the U-Bahn lines.

Seat Safety Switch > cabarne4 05/24/2016 at 13:03

15

If it’s German, where’s the leaking coolant?

UnhingedandAloof > Seat Safety Switch 05/24/2016 at 13:22

1

This was fun to read, thanks.

northernwreck > cabarne4 05/24/2016 at 14:13

1

Thought I recognized it

WRXasaurus > Smallbear wants a modern Syclone, local Maple Leafs spammer 05/24/2016 at 14:15

3

AHHHH, WHY DID YOU MENTION IT. I DIDN’T NOTICE IT AT FIRST AND NOW I HAVE BEEN BROUGHT TO MY KNEES BY ITS ABHORRENCE......... Ok, I’m better now.

cabarne4 > Seat Safety Switch 05/24/2016 at 14:19

1

Well, luckily they converted the trains to electric.

Still working it out for the trucks, however.

RazorGP > Seat Safety Switch 05/24/2016 at 14:19

1

The owners did their upkeep on it.

RazorGP > Smallbear wants a modern Syclone, local Maple Leafs spammer 05/24/2016 at 14:20

0

the tunnel does a turn there

James May is my spirit animal > OPPOsaurus WRX 05/24/2016 at 14:23

0

But I can’t fit my baby and diaper bag in a Ford Edge or Jeep Cherokee! Just think if I had to get groceries in one of those? Where would I put them? Suburban it is!

Smallbear wants a modern Syclone, local Maple Leafs spammer > RazorGP 05/24/2016 at 14:24

0

Imperceptibly

Videodude1961 > Seat Safety Switch 05/24/2016 at 14:25

1

What is this thing commute you write of? Going places to meet up with other humans in their filthy offices by travelling along streets and tunnels seems so archaic in our modern no-need-to-leave-home telecommuting world. With telephones, computers, webcams, and so many other network options available to us, with all of the hassles of going going out the door, there is no longer a need.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this from my home office with my slipper shod feet up on my desk..

OPPOsaurus WRX > James May is my spirit animal 05/24/2016 at 14:28

1

I fit 2 minions in car seats, a double stroller, and shit for a weekend in my WRX. If I can do that an Edge should be more than enough space. People need a reality check. If she wasn’t a single mom she probably would have had a Suburban or maybe an Escalade EXT

James May is my spirit animal > OPPOsaurus WRX 05/24/2016 at 14:30

0

I want everyone to visit and drive in Europe for at least a week, then come back to the states.

Doubt it would change anything though. :(

torque > Videodude1961 05/24/2016 at 16:01

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Software development teams all over the world are more and more using Agile project methodology which ideally means everyone works together (face to face), thus Ironically the most likely group (at least from the outside) that should be able to WFH (work from home) are in fact more often than not are...

“ Going places to meet up with other humans in their filthy offices by travelling along streets and tunnels ”

Stygian Blue > Seat Safety Switch 05/24/2016 at 16:25

1

I'm an electrical engineer who works in telecomm and SATCOM. And I'm obsessed with all things infrastructure. Is there any hope?

Stef Schrader > cabarne4 05/24/2016 at 18:23

1

So wonderful.

Johannes-ger > cabarne4 05/24/2016 at 18:37

1

positive. it’s marienplatz station ;)

Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To > Seat Safety Switch 05/24/2016 at 18:47

2

I needed this. Also Buick Century Gran Sport = FUCK YES

Seat Safety Switch > Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To 05/24/2016 at 18:51

0

This guy knows what’s up.

cabarne4 > Johannes-ger 05/24/2016 at 21:16

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I wanted to say Marienplatz, but thought it could have been Ludwig Maximilians Universität instead. On the U6 line, IIRC. I mostly rode the S-Bahn while in Munich, though.

Auto Guy > Seat Safety Switch 05/25/2016 at 06:09

1

“Nächste Halt: Marienplatz.”

This is what the subway conductor said just before you exit at the station shown in the picture.

Good times, people. Good times.

Sam > Vincent Davidson 05/25/2016 at 09:24

1

Well the baby isn't going to be doing the driving. Though with some of the people I've seen commuting, some of them may let the baby take over for a bit.

Sam > muttons 05/25/2016 at 09:25

0

At least you could have some sexy fun after work, I guess.

Who am I kidding, most of the strippers on a weekday afternoon would remove the word ‘sexy’ from your vocabulary.

Sam > torque 05/25/2016 at 09:28

1

The problem with WFH is that it requires a lot of personal self-control, the likes of which many office lemmings do not possess.

Grindintosecond > Seat Safety Switch 05/25/2016 at 10:19

1

Quite nice piece. How much time did you spend on it?

Seat Safety Switch > Grindintosecond 05/25/2016 at 11:09

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15-20 minutes or so? These stories are part of a project where I am trying to get a daily Tumblr going .

Admittedly, I cheat and use the queue feature so some days I will write 4-5 entries and then just let that burp out a daily entry for me. The hardest part so far has been going on vacations and having to build up 2-3 weeks of backlog before I get on the plane.

katCrusader > Seat Safety Switch 05/25/2016 at 12:18

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But how did you end up face to face with a librarian? :o

torque > Sam 05/25/2016 at 13:13

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to your point about self-control, in my experience, software development projects are mentally engaging enough that WFH usually isn’t a problem from a performance perspective b/c as long as there is effective & attentive mgmt., as it will become clear pretty quickly based on expectations & output if people are performing well or not.

Though you do have to address potential communications, team cohesion, social isolation opportunities (among others), its the same opportunities that have to be addressed with co-location of an entire team, say when you have many people WFH or working near shore or offshore w/in the same project or program.

Grindintosecond > Seat Safety Switch 05/25/2016 at 21:24

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If you have that after only 20 mins, you’re doing quite well. I’ve got good ideas but the storytelling isn’t clear...the brain to paper delivery is a bit crap but check it out if you like. Www.Roughdrift.wordpress.com

Rather dark in tone but it’s all an experiment to learn with. Nothing there is a finished product-always revising when I feel like it. Keep up the work. It’s really good.